I took the previous post out of a Canadian magazine " The Sociology of the Breakup". I've certainly cutted off a few parts of it as they did not retain my wish to keep them. However, I did have a certain suprise when getting through there and recognising some patterns I have been going through myself for the last 3 years and till now.
I am stuck on the "Reflection" part still. Its lasting for ever and leaves me wondering about "Only after a passage of time will this come. I have realized that there can never ever be a set length of time to get over someone. Pack your lunch, its going to be awhile." in the last phase "Moving On".
Up to now, I could not even imagine thinking about the "Repression" part. But as things dont move and constantly make me feel like to die, and despite my so intense love feelings for her still, I start to see the light of an extremely sad and humiliating conclusion to my phsychic love disorder (thats how I feel like to call it). I will do, go through this repression part at last (i dont hope, but hope), force myself to hate and destroy all the so beautiful images I stored. Its like she kinda helped me so much with getting to this stage I so much didnt wish for. My only rescue is to run, like everyone else, (despite the conviction that this story was just not like all the others) I have no choice but to dig into this phase of false hate, where you have to find reasons for hate to escape the pain of reality ... I have tried so much, I have done thousand kilometers, phone calls, mails, tears, ego sacrifices... but in vain, never got a little reply that could have help me just to get on a smooth transition to "Moving On" without having this ugly "Repression" part at all. Mind you what about if she is well over all this and passed the "Repression" part all the way down to Conclusion, whatever this may be??
Where my "writting to yourself" therapy works, is that as I am reading what I just wrote, I dont beleive a single second that I can go through the "Repressive" phase, despite the aweful pain she's causing me... I have just given myself a little more force to understand and try to cope with the thing. Not all my hopes are gone, and one day I hope I be able to think again straigh about love.
Whatever phase she is in, if still anywhere in that, I guess its the way it goes for all, and we no exception, its just frustrating to have a so real vision of love when things turns to be, in the end, like everyone elses.
pffff, enough.
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