Its been only a month now in Pakistan, and most of it in the North East (Kasmir). The work progress has so far given good results and I start to feel a little more settled in this new environement. The people here are for most of them Pakistanese. There is about 70% of the staff in this coumpound which are national resident and the rest us are from abroad. The age average is probably around 35+, and the majority are relatively calm and into their work, at least for the expats. The coumpound is relatively small, and there isnt much to do at evening. Unlike when you just arrive in a place and meet people, you get a totally different feeling after some time. The more you remainin in a confined environement, the more you start to feel unsociable with the people whom surrounds you all this time. You react a lot more to the feeling of lonelyness and isolation.Funny enough you generate this atmosphere to yourself, and it kill any hope of seeing things change. You try, get with the rare people (3 or 4) which gather for an evening to have a glass of wine and release the stress accumulated during the day, days, weeks, but then the next time you do this again comes the same scenario, same people, same unfortunate luck of at least having this... One of the most difficult thing which goes with this is that even if you decide to have some "fun" chat and time, you still have to face the problem of living in a very mixte communoty of people which have different moods, different habits and appreciations of the common space we have to share. There is not a place in this coumpound where you can actually talk with anyone without having a hear listening, a person sleepless from your talks, or a local resident from whom you have to hide in case he would not like you to have fun at this time a night.
What I usually do to try and feel better, I retire to my 3m square compartiment in one of the collective tents and try to get away/out from here. This I may try it by surfing the web, waiting for anyone to show up on msn and share a moment of chit chat, or by watching a DVD. Here again, when you have done this again and again, you then just lie and watch the roof hoping for something. At this stage you could think that its the end of this crazzy chain of event, but nope... because then you start thinking about your life, about your friends, about everything.. and there you never know where it goes. I'll confess that most of the time it goes to, what;s next? where is my beloved... what is the family doing....etc. Its just so wierd and hard! In the meantime, what I do is passionating in terms of meeting all these people of the world and seeing them saved from a certain death sometimes, and the children being given something while they've lost all.. How paradoxal is this, while you give all you have in a cause or in a simple feeling of love for them you carry with you, you feel yourself isolated from the love of anyone you know... you feel so alone sometimes... I am still at the stage of wondering if this is just me having a lake of experience in the subject or if its just if its normal time to time to feel like... All I feel so far while doing this job is that you receive more love from these passenger which you are here for, children eldery people and poor victims of aweful disaster/massacre, than from the people you would expect to be the one to care about you. Those you care so much about, for one reason or an other, are those who just never have a nice word for you which would mean so much to you. I guess having a more "rational" life back there in the modern world brings with it, indifference and a lose of value and beleif in universal love. I no more beleive much in this feeling we call love, and trust with all our soul and body... its just doesnt make sense to me no more... I hope one day, it will mean something again as it does in the modern world, but for now, love is just about loving every one who gives you this little bit of time, this little bit of affection and sympatie to make that all this lonelyness becomes easier. Now if you say you should go home and live this more rational life.
I would certainly say right now, if going back home and living there, in this society where you may get loved by some people and get forgotten whenabout you need them the most, I'd rather still think about it. At least here, even if its not paradise, you meet random people with real simple loving energy which gives a sense to your presence here....
anyway, emptied my bag, feeling better.... writting to myself has always turned out to be the best therapie in these moments.
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