Weed is all over the place

I had not noticed it before so obvious it was. There is week all around the place and in every green bush you can see. People here dont even bother cutting it as it grows like a savage plante. IT would be a rough fight to try stopping this bad herbs! Pakistan as always been the main hashish manufacter througough history, and nowadays, when its so hard to find elsewhere, it grows in your surrounding like petrol stations in towns! Anyway, interesting discovery!

Refering to the previous post... (Break Ups)

I took the previous post out of a Canadian magazine " The Sociology of the Breakup". I've certainly cutted off a few parts of it as they did not retain my wish to keep them. However, I did have a certain suprise when getting through there and recognising some patterns I have been going through myself for the last 3 years and till now.

I am stuck on the "Reflection" part still. Its lasting for ever and leaves me wondering about "Only after a passage of time will this come. I have realized that there can never ever be a set length of time to get over someone. Pack your lunch, its going to be awhile." in the last phase "Moving On".

Up to now, I could not even imagine thinking about the "Repression" part. But as things dont move and constantly make me feel like to die, and despite my so intense love feelings for her still, I start to see the light of an extremely sad and humiliating conclusion to my phsychic love disorder (thats how I feel like to call it). I will do, go through this repression part at last (i dont hope, but hope), force myself to hate and destroy all the so beautiful images I stored. Its like she kinda helped me so much with getting to this stage I so much didnt wish for. My only rescue is to run, like everyone else, (despite the conviction that this story was just not like all the others) I have no choice but to dig into this phase of false hate, where you have to find reasons for hate to escape the pain of reality ... I have tried so much, I have done thousand kilometers, phone calls, mails, tears, ego sacrifices... but in vain, never got a little reply that could have help me just to get on a smooth transition to "Moving On" without having this ugly "Repression" part at all. Mind you what about if she is well over all this and passed the "Repression" part all the way down to Conclusion, whatever this may be??

Where my "writting to yourself" therapy works, is that as I am reading what I just wrote, I dont beleive a single second that I can go through the "Repressive" phase, despite the aweful pain she's causing me... I have just given myself a little more force to understand and try to cope with the thing. Not all my hopes are gone, and one day I hope I be able to think again straigh about love.

Whatever phase she is in, if still anywhere in that, I guess its the way it goes for all, and we no exception, its just frustrating to have a so real vision of love when things turns to be, in the end, like everyone elses.

pffff, enough.

This sounds familar ? Break ups...

There is a pain that is unmistakable and unimaginable unless you are actually experiencing it. The emotional pain of breaking up is unlike any other pain that you can feel. No nerve being shred, nor severance of flesh that can ever replicate the feeling of a break-up. You can have an open wound surgery without anaesthetic and it would still not equal to the softest psychological sundering of a relationship between two people.

Utter Shock:

It is at this moment when the emotional Hiroshima happens. It usually sounds like "I don't love you anymore." Or in some cases, it is followed up with a Nagasaki of "I left you for Bill/Jane." Or in some rare cases; "I left you for Bill & Jane."
Utter Shock is perhaps one of the most rare extremes of human emotions any person will feel aside from death, marriage and child birth. Revel in it, soak it up poor puppy. Once you hit ocean bottom, it only gets better.

Reflection: "Why the hell did this happen?"

This stage occurs after the initial shock subsides. You search yourself for reasons why this happened and reflect upon it. Sometimes it comes to a point where you make up reasons, or convolute reasons on why this happened. Often this is an attempt to insulate the hurt mind while you weather the pain of the break up. This can be related to an "emotional coma" of sorts. I find that not planning anything beyond the scope of a daily bases is the only way to survive this self induced emotional coma. You can tell when you're better off when the other person can't own up to their mistakes that lead up to the utter execution of your relationship. Time is best spent surrounded by friends who will not be saying stupid things to you like: "Oh well." "Deal with it."
Longing: "Shit I miss him/her." "Wanting them back... take me back please?" It is at this stage the human psyche experiences an intense feeling of loneliness. Regardless of their faults, or the faults in oneself, the person wishes more than anything to be with that other person. This is often a phase where post break-up sex tactics are employed. As if breaking up were not any easier, either party may or may not "prolong the magic". Awkward visits, stalking and abusive and continuous phone calls predominate this. This is one of the most dangerous stages as most couples will regress into their previous relationship.

Repression: "Screw it. I hate her/him."

It is at this stage that a method of coping is dealt with. Nothing can be more therapeutic than realizing how much the other person was a fuck-nut case. Usually one realizes how much stupid shit and hoops you jumped through to gain, maintain, and sustain the love you felt for this person.

Moving on: "Yeah, Fuck it. I'm better off without him/her."

This is the final stage of a break up. Only after a passage of time will this come. I have realized that there can never ever be set length of time to get over someone. Pack your lunch, its going to be awhile. One of the major hurdles that needs to be crossed is the reestablishment of what can be called Belief in Self. In a break-up there is an immense amount of psychological damage. This damage is dealt as both sides try to reconcile their differences and place blame. Much of this results in depreciation of the other half and self-depreciation. Its fair to note that both sides suffer the same ill effects. Both parties suffer the same stages. Though to be fair, the one that "does the damage" suffers less from Utter Shock than the victim does.The most obvious danger posed to most victims is to fall into another relationship. Aptly known as "Rebounding", this effectively retards the recovery stages to a point where a person does not fully "find themselves" after the breakup.

Conclusions: Karmic Mysticism

There is something Karmic about break-ups. What you do will eventually come back to you. I have found that if you break up with someone for a particular reason, it will come back to you. It will generally be so painfully obvious that my reaction is to giggle like a school girl and think. "Damn, serves me right."
I have also learned that the amount of time and effort you put into a relationship is directly proportional to the amount of pain you will swallow in later. Hence, a half-assed relationship, will result in half-assed break-up with little closure. Surprise! The end result is a bittersweet lesson for you. Suffice to say, relationships and their enfolding slaughter-like ends are social facts. They exist and will always happen regardless of how we map our life to avoid them. It’s only through surviving them and in what we do with ourselves afterwards that matters the most.

Office roof.....

Just been on the roof of the office to have some meditation time up there. I have always loved being on the roof anywhere I go. It did not happen so offen as I wished, but still, I have been always sitting on a roof when I had my moments of deep personal reflection. Of course when these happen, I have right after it a need to share, a need to express these things inside my head, just because, it has become so rare to share anything with anyone in Europe. The same way you dont forget your language completly, after not practicing for a long time, you loose contact with your society and forget so many simple things you use to do all the time... Sometimes, I think that its just incredible to see how the mind and human soul can adapt to all sorts of situation. Adapt to no women in the streets, no bed, no name, no nationality.... Hear the eternal sound of the Mosque every morning, day, evenings.... Eat in restaurant everydays, pack the house on a weekly bases.... just so many things which the mind has to change and take in.

When I was in Chengdu, China, I use to go often on the roof. There I had joy, desperation and fun many times. Everytime, when I reach a roof, and sit there in the sun or in the rain, I cannot start anything without remembering Eiffel 65 (blue) on chengdu's roof. Anyway, just to say that its certainly for me up there that I can free up my mind the most. Today, I have been thinking about my home... a little only, I have just bought a house, but I have never really seen it. I am doing a morgage, but I have not really signed the papers..... I have my motobike, my car and a house now which, I should only see for two month this year....

I have also been thinking about the 17th of April, it is a beautiful day for humanity and a so terrible wound of myself. It probably the one date I could remember more than my own birth... Remembering this day, is just like if I wanted to die.... Anyway, this also went through my mind up there... what a deep moment this one is....

About woman, its been a long time since I have had any contacts at all with a women, even for a chit chat meal.... The last time I must have shared a coffe with a ladie must have been in early january.... The last time I felt love, probably, 2 years ago, and then it was not even that., I have met real love once in my life.... Now thinking that it should remain like this, at least I wont end up screwed. Its just such an extremely long & painful effort to recover and beleive that love exists still..


I just needed to write. This blog is the best place I found, it does not have a location, it doesnt have an identity but the one you give to it may be read by someone who understands me, and accessible from where ever I go! what a faithful partner. I enjoy it all... Sudan was an amazing experience, and I miss it sometimes, Pakistan is an other amazing one with a completely different patchwork of experiences. But in the end, it is an other beautiful experience of permanent discovery... Its only when you get down to the core of yourself that you find a good and positive vision on things.. before you get to the core, that's when you pass by all the difficult moment...
Reaching your goal depends a lot on how you understood and lived your journey to it.
;-)

Sleeping in the fear of an earthquake

Thought I would write something about the fear it makes to you when you are sleeping and spending time in a building which could be wiped out by a single earthquake. Lately, I am spending a lot of time in Islamabad. I am sharing a very ugly and poor flat with 3 of my collegues who are also working with my Team. The place is infested with caokroaches, mouskito's, and gas smells. In pakistan almost every heating systems works with city gas. However, the pipes in the buildings are just not up to any ISO convention like we would have elsewhere in Europe, but it is just home made pipes sometimes which just lead into each flat and end with a standard valve tap. Just like you would turn on the tap of a shower. Most of the time, and it is the case in our place, we only have a pipe coming out of the wall in case you need..... just turn the tap on accidently, and soon there will be no tap, no building... just that! On the other hand I have taken into account that the people here live differently and are use to these settings, therefore, it might just be as safe as bungee jumping! This tho, is not the thing that worries me the most at evenings. Last earthquake in October last year hitted the area I am living in, one of the building next door has collapsed and killed a lot of people, including some UN staff (6). Seeing the building, you would not beleive such a thing can happen, I'll take a picture whenever I can of what is left there. Having been in two pretty strong earthquake since I have started the mission, I am now very worried about sleeping at night. Most of the earthquakes happen at night while people are sleeping. It lasts for a second or 2 ! The move you feel when the first wave and its shock wave come beneth where you are is of an incredible power! It is not just bouncing everything around you and last for long like we see in the movies, but it usualy just send one big shock in the bulding and freaks out the entire city! Anyway, just wanted to say that I really feel sad for the people who have to live with it! I dont know if I could myself assume such a life where everynight you close your eyes, might be the last of your life.....

Lovely reading...

The Karakoram Highway known as K.K.H., has been cut through the highest and the mightiest mountains of the world, that is, the Himalayas and the Karakorams. This Highway connects Pakistan with the People's Republic of China via Khunjrab pass (16,200 feet above sea level) beyond which lies the sprawling Xinjiang province of our friendly neighbour and the fabled city of Kashgar. ft has, thus opened a passage through the isolated mountainous regions which remained a cultural backyard of humanity for millennia. This highway has been described as the eighth wonder of the world by hundreds of travellers and beyond any doubt, it is the marvel of modern engineering. The brave road builders of China and Pakistan took twenty years to complete this 774 km. long highway which has been stretched over the hills, gorges; valleys and rivers.
It was not easy to conceive and to execute such a Herculean project particularly in such a monstrous region. No wonder it had been considered impossible by some of the world's biggest consortiums. In fact the construction of the highway involved about thirty million cubic yards of rock blasting and earthwork, over eight thousand tons of explosives and eighty thousand tons of cement and so many other materials and that too in thousands of tons. Approximately fifteen thousand men of the Pakistan Army and the Chinese workers, working shoulder to shoulder, cut through one of the most difficult terrains in the world and toiled under the most trying conditions. It is believed that more than five hundred persons, that is, about one person per mile, lost their lives in the road building process.
The Highway itself is the greatest memorial to those martyrs who sacrificed their lives during blasting, rockfalls, landslides, earthquakes and avalanches. And humanity ows a deep debt of gratitude to all those who lost their lives during the road building. Their success, however, has opened a new chapter in the world's history as this road will be used by generations after generations of the human beings not only to learn about these high mountains and the people who live there in the scattered valleys but also to draw together, in a common pursuit of peaceful trade, as it was once done with great difficulty through the famous Silk Route.
For many centuries caravans braved these tortuous mountains treading precariously along the goat tracks and narrow paths sometimes providing short cuts between the great caravan towns of the Central Asian and rich markets of the subcontinent. However, the trails were too hazardous, angry rivers too horrifying to contemplate, storms and avalanches caused even the most intrepid to quail on the high passes and in the desolate gorges.
It was in fact, the great Han empire of China that extended its influence towards this part of the world and controlled roads leading through it. The most important item of trade, in which China was interested at that time was the export of Chinese silk and hence the popularity of the name. The Silk Route, which traversed the Tarim basin in its westward extension through
Central Asia to meet the markets in the Mediterranean coast. From second century B.C. to about fifth century A.D. the trade continued to flow. Thereafter the rise of the Hsiung-nu dislocated trade connections and the name of Silk Route survived in legendary tales only.
The ancient Silk Route started at Ch'angan (modern Si-gan-fu, former capital of the province of Shen-si) on the north-western borders of China and skirted the Gobi desert westward to Dun-huang, where it bifurcated into two - one passing the northern edge of the Tarim basin through the world famous Turfan treasures, Aksu and on to Kashgar; and the second followed the southern edge at the foot of Kun Lun and reached Khotan, Yarkand and on to Kashgar. The journey westward was either over the north of Pamir towards Samarkand or across the smaller valleys south of it through Wakhan, Badakhshan and onwards to Bactria north of the Hindukush in the valleys of the Oxus. It is the centres on the southern route that threw down paths around the FIun Lun towards Karakorum region, opening a passage for trade to the Indo-Gangetic plains. From time to time the passage has varied, depending upon its starting point in Khotan, Qargalik or Yarkand, the eastern-most being the Khotan route across the upper valley of Yarkand river over to Kun Lun. On the South it crossed the Muztag river and after passing through Shimshal reached the main channel of Hunza river. But a route from Yarkand proper would follow its tributary of Tashkurgan river and reach the town of that name and branch off either towards Wakhan or towards Khunjrab. It is the Wakhan route that can be reached directly from Gilgit, Chilas or Chitral over high passes.
The following two quotations of the two world famous ancient travellers, that is Mr.Hiuen Tsang and Mr. Sung-Yung-Yun throw sufficient light on the problems of the old Silk Route. Hiuen Tsang described his journey to Swat in the following words:
"The road was difficult and broken, with steep crags and precipices in the way. The mountain side is simply a stone wall standing up 10,000 feet. Looking down, the sight is confused and on going forward there is no sure foothold.
Below is a river called Sint-uho (Jndus). In old days men bored through the rocks to make a way, and spread out side-ladders, of which there are seven hundred (steps) in all to pass. Having passed the ladders, we proceeded by a hanging rope-Bridge and crossed the river. The two sides of the river are something less than 80 paces apart."
San-Yan described as under:
"The mountains here are as lofty and the gorges deep as ever. The king of the country has built a town, where he resides, for the sake of being in the mountains. The people of the country dress handsomely, only they use some leathern garments. The land is extremely ëold so much so, that the people occupy the caves of the mountains as dwelling places, and the driving wind and snow often compel both men and beasts to herd together. To the south of this country are the snowy mountains, which, in the morning and evening vapours, rise up like gem-spires".
From the description it appears to be the present Misgar area, where caves are still seen and used for living purposes. If this identification is correct, Sung-Yun must have crossed over the Mintaka pass.
The ancient approach was across the Kilk Mintaka Pass over to the opening of Misgar and onwards to Hunza. Mintaka Pass opened up in the Chinese empire on the east and Tsarist Russia on the north-west. The present opening at Khunjrab provides an easy access to China's potential trade influence down to the Arabian sea and onwards to the free world for the first time in history.
The modern K.K.H. which may also be called as a substitute of the ancient silkroute begins from Islamabad and passes through, Rawalpindi - Taxila -Hassan Abdal - Haripur - Abbottabad - Batgram -Besham Qila - Pattan -Chilas - Jaglot - Gilgit - Hunza - Gulmit - Passu - Sust and enters China atKhunjrab.
Approximate distances and travelling on the K.K.H. by light transport are given below, but much would depend on the season and the driving skill of the driver.

The K.K.H. passes through a scenic wonderland. The landscape changes almost after every mile. Along the road there are scores of sites and scenes which deserve careful study and observation and there are things which cannot be described in words alone. Above all a drive from Jslamabad to Khunjrab is a rare and life long experience which nobody can forget after going through it once.
Maintenance of road, however, is a major problem because Karakorams are active even today. There is a continual disintegration in the higher regions because of the interactions of several factors including the effects of climate variations and the forces of gravity,rain, snow,ice, mud floods etc. all play key roles in the general destruction of these mountain areas. When parts of the valley walls break away, or when the streams undercut these steepest
precipices on earth then gravity causes small and large fragments, in single pieces or in thunderous avalanches, to descend at frightening speeds to the floor of the valley. Several parts of the road, and even villages are, either washed away or buried under several thousand tons of mud. A few years ago the Batura Glacier, just a few kilometres from the beautiful Gulmit, quietly advanced and with its blunt snout nudged away the towers of a strong bridge toppling it into the Hunza river. It has not been found possible to rebuild the bridge which causes great problems during the summer season when the flow of water increases due to snow-melting.
Found in this region, and perhaps nowhere else in the world, is the snow leopard. Also, Marco Polo sheep, the Markhor and Thar (a wild goat), the Bhural (a sheep), and Deer were common, but now they are extremely rare. One of the several rare species of birds is the colourful "Ram Chakor' the ordinary Chakor, a kind of pheasant, is also found in other parts of the country, but the 'Ram' lives along the Karakoram Highway up to the Chinese border. It is much bigger than the Chakor found near Quetta, far to the southwest. Pheasants of other types also abound--the trapogan, kalege and chir. The first of these, the trapogan, is now almost extinct.